who'll be there to catch you when you fall

People say that the past has a way of catching up to you.

They say that the skeletons in your closet can't stay hidden forever.

They tell you, that there is no such thing as permanent closure.

What do you do when someone who says your his 'best friend' turns on you? How do you react when he chooses a 2 month relationship over one that spans 4 years? How do you go on? because he was the 'go-to guy'. The one I thought I could always depend on, who would never leave. The one who at one point said he'd pick me and wouldnt risk our friendship for anything. How is it that he blames me? So to him I shall say, "fuck off!". More than anything I resent that little bitch, and what's worse, I hate you for having made that choice, because you just showed me what I hate to see.

Lately I find the people around me are shifting, moving through my life randomly, leaving behind imprints, memories I may or may not want to hold on to. It does not help that I tend to put a bit of myself in them too.

Then when things look bleak, there are the memories from my past, people I chose to walk away from, the ones I wanted to leave behind. They come back to life, breaking away from the confines of my past and moving through the doors into my future. Unexpectedly, it raises the level of self-worth, knowing I wasn't forgotten, that I may have left a better memory in them than the ones people have left me with.

With all the drama, there are the ones that have been beside me all the time, going through the motions and being a shoulder when I needed it most. The ones for whom I would abandon all others. I hope you know who you guys are and how much you mean to me.

i saw this coming, yet i held you to more than what you obviously can be

THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS i WANT TO SAY TO YOU!
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU FOR WALKING OUT ON ME
I HATE YOU FOR LYING TO MY FACE
I HATE THAT YOU SAID ALL THOSE THINGS AND DIDNT MEAN IT
I HATE THAT YOU MANAGED TO FOOL ME
TO BLIND SIGHT ME INTO THINKING THAT CRAP WAS LOVE
THAT WAS NOT LOVE
THAT WAS ME BEING THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND
PERFECT
FOR NO ONE BUT YOU
DAMN BLOODY PERFECT
BUT I KNEW BETTER
I KNEW BETTER THAN TO TRUST YOU
BUT I DID
BECAUSE I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
I WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE COULD TAKE HIS PLACE
AND THE FACT THAT YOU SHARED HIS NAME
THAT YOU REMINDED ME SO MUCH OF HIM
MADE ME FOOLISH
I HATE YOU
I HATE THAT YOU HURT ME
MORE THAN ANYTHING
I WANT TO HURT YOU
I AM NOT A BAD PERSON
BUT TO YOU
I WANT TO BE
I WANT TO HURT YOU THE WAY YOU HURT ME
I WANT TO PROVE THAT THIS IS NOT MY FAULT
THIS MESS
THIS STUPID STUPID MESS IS YOUR FAULT
I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER IN SILENCE
TO LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND AND BE COMPLETELY OKAY
I HATE THAT YOU MADE ME SMILE AND LET ME BELIEVE ALL THAT BULLSHIT
I HATE THAT YOU MADE ME BLAME AND QUESTION MYSELF FOR BEING SO PERFECT TO YOU
FOR NOT SHOUTING AND CRYING AND DEMANDING
A SINGLE MINUTE OF YOUR TIME
I ASKED YOU FOR NOTHING
MY MISTAKE WAS IN HAVING ANY HOPE THAT YOU ARE A DECENT PERSON.
BECAUSE I HAVE NO PROOF OF THAT NOW
ALL I SEE IS A GREAT ACTOR
AND I AM FINALLY STRONG ENOUGH TO FACE THE FACT THAT YOU WON
SO NOW I'M DONE
I'M DONE PRETENDING AND BEING A NICE PERSON WHEN YOU CALL OR MESSAGE ME
I'M DONE WITH YOU.

When is it enough?

When do you decide to end things?

How do we ever know whats right and wrong?

It's been a long time since I've gone back to Haagen Daz to work. What for though seeing as how I have the law firm and the events which pays at least twice more for less, more enjoyable work. It's hard to work for a company where I do not agree with the policies and practices. The product is overpriced, the salary is crappy and not proportional to the workload AND the people there are not always the most pleasant.

However, if you happen to be as lucky as I am, you might come across a bunch of lovely people that make going to work so much more delightful.

These are the best colleagues and great friends. I went to the airport to send Patrick off, only to find he might be back in 2 weeks. What a joke! It was great fun though what with all the laughs and bitching.

To think I almost gave it a miss to go spend time with a guy who would probably not have made me as happy.

smiles plucked from nothing

It's gone his way, their way, all this time and I've been stupid enough to sit around and take it. Forget this, I'm done waiting patiently biding my time. I'm done putting my heart on the line, or any part of me for that matter. I'm through getting emotionally involved and investing time and effort on worthless causes.

Now that I'm done ranting....

There was a cute/hot guy in the canteen. Finally RP shows some sign of potential. =)

I've found my replacement eye-candy!

"Do You Believe In Love"

Just one day If I could hold you in my arms

Close to my heart where you belong

Love of my life you really are

Still be showering you with kisses like snow in winter

Remember back in the day we were like best of friends

But we were falling in love we never could pretend

Night after night we used to talk about me and you

The things we'd do together forever?

Do you believe in love?

And the promise that it brings

That you'll never grow apart

Well that's what she said to me

Why did you have to go?

We were inseparable

You and me will always be together for eternity

Just one day

If I could touch your face again

Words can't describe how I'm feeling

If I could turn back the hands of time

I'd still be holding on wishes that you left behind

Remember moments when there was nothing better than

A stroll in the park walking hand in hand

I'll never forget the times we talked about me and you

The things we do together forever

Do you believe in love?

And the promise that it brings

That you'll never grow apart

Well that's what she said to me

Why did you have to go? We were inseparable

You and me will always be together for eternity

The words you said to me before you slipped away

Are still with me girl to this very day yeah

In everything I do to everything I say

You'll always be the sunshine in my life

And yes I believe in love

Do you believe in love?

And the promise that it brings

That you'll never grow apart

Well that's what she said to me

Why did you have to go?

We were inseparable

You and me will always be together for eternity

So do you believe? I'm not sure I want to.

FINALLY!

I can't even remember how long it's been since I've gone shopping properly. The sheer joy of picking up everything and anything (although apparently I was picky yesterday) and trying them on, debating on which looks nicer and on whom. Even the 'depressing' vibes that go through my mind when I realise I can't afford something, have been missed. Retail therapy is by far my favourite.

I spent way too much though, on a gorgeous dress, and an off shoulder top that I has been in my mental wish list for the longest time, among other things. Sorry rox, I know now we have something else identical, but I would have totally regretted not getting one of my own, kinda like you and your shorts. I only wish the ones I saw had fit better.

That added to the things I bought online would bring my grand shopping total for this month to nearly $300. Which I wouldn't consider to be such an exorbitant sum if I happen to be working alot more than I have in the past 2 months. Can I blame it on the GSS?

Newly revised goals for the next 2 months.

1. Singfest 2008 tickets - $100 (thanks to my dad for sponsoring the rest)

2. Sunnies - $400-500 (you know they're gonna be fabulous)

3. Pinstripe Shorts - $40

4. Havaianas - $50

5. Bag - $70 (just something nice and casual for school and stuffs)

6. Dresses - ??? (cause I love dresses and I'll never have enough, like shoes)

I need to either work my butt off, or be a really good girl and beg for it. I'm just glad I do not have to be up early tomorrow. My brain cannot handle having 4 hours of sleep every night. I need 10!

I'm hungry.

1 + 1 = 3?

As it says in the photo caption, I am what I choose to be. I know who I am and what I am capable of, even if I do not admit it. There is a part of me, a side I choose to keep hidden, for reasons both good and bad. It's an advantage, I refuse to give(though I give too much too fast) all of myself.

Everyone has some skeletons in their closet right?

I do not understand why I have the attention span of a 5 year old. I cannot seem to focus on any one thing for too long. That added to a bad habit of procrastinating, makes ir so difficult for me to do work on time. I had such a long time to write my final year project report, and I realise that I started all of 4 days ago. I just had no interest, I barely understood the other reports I had to read. Imagine having to write one of those complicated things on my own. Utter Frustration. I even had the nerve to watch tv while I was supposed to focus on work. I slept for 2 hours last night and when it came close to submission time I was wide awake. Something is wrong here. I choose to blame it on the fact that it's science and I do not like it.

That added to having to coordinate manpower for tomorrow's family day event at East Coast Park. The pros and cons of working with people, even people you generally like and are your friends.

I'm drained. That and still there is the ever looming issue with the "three muskateers" as Amirul likes to call them. I can't decide, which isnt new and the one i want, just doesnt seem to be right.

help?

zoom zoom boing boing

April has dashed by me in a blurry haze. I can't decide if it was the monotony of it all or simply the lack of anything really exciting. I have worked alot, stretched myself beyond my limits when it comes to sleeping and waking up, and didn't party enough during my 2 week holidays.


the worst part...

I havent shopped enough!!!

I miss the lull of the holidays. This quiet, seemingly endless expanse of time where you dont have to plan anything. Just letting things flow and move and happen at random.

I'm trying desperately to squeeze in all the things I want to do and come up with the cash to do it all.

Question 1 :
Is it possible to love more than one and to want more than just one for different reasons?

BORED!

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I'm beyond bored.

I have my law job back and now I'm calculating. I have come up with a whole new list of things I want to get and as always, nothing is free. So, in order, of how badly I want it....

*Chanel Boots!!!!
nuff said
* Tattoo.
doh! I've already designed it. I know what I want and I know it is forever blah blah blah.
* Sunnies
Chanel, Gucci, Armani, Prada, Versace, MARC JACOBS?
*Speaker/Charger
for my ipod
* Headphones
definitely need these. The old ones irritate me.
* Bag
my sunquick bag is ripped (sobs!)
* Clothes
can't put details to this. I want everything.
* New Lappytop
not that I don't like mine, but hey, who can say no to a MacBook???


I need to go get my driving thingy over and done with. I want to drive, albeit I wont have a car, but I can borrow one from my aunt. That and I have to prove to a certain someone, (2 actually) that women can be good drivers. Hmph! Chauvinists!

Finally, I've been bitten by the travel bug. I'm itching to go places and see the world, to blaze a trail and hopefully leave an impression. I've pretty much got my heart set on going to the University of Alberta in Edmonton when I'm done here to study Business. I heart Canada! Rox, will you come with me??? Please let's stick to our plan to go somewhere after poly.


~for the past 5 mins i was officially not bored~