it's complicated...

For those who want to know, who are constantly asking, and who don't understand, all I can say is that, neither do I. It's complicated, in a hundred different ways. I wish I could explain how scared I am, how bad I feel, how much I want to cry and yet, how much I want to smile. I want everything to be OK, but I hurt someone so much that now I'm hurting. I loved him, for all that we fought, and I felt angry and trapped. He was my warm security blanket, I was happy with him. I was a bad girlfriend. I should have been better. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could run back into that safe cocoon where no one else mattered, but I can't. As much as I want to, I know he deserves better. I need to learn to be better.

I dont want to hurt someone else. I'm so scared that I want to run away and hide. I can't love until I know I can be worthy of love. I feel like such a bitch lately. I can't seem to put the guard down, to throw away the facade. I've been trying so hard to change from one thing to another, I'm not sure I know who the real me is. I think I buried her deep down inside so that she can't rear her angry head n be that mean person. I don't want to ever take anyone for granted. To hurt them the way I hurt him.

To the someone who I can't lose...

You mean more to me than words can say
I pray with all my heart to never hurt you,
to never make you pay,
for all the mistakes I so foolishly made.

I wish you didn't feel this way but somehow
at the same time, part of me is drawn.
to the unexplained,
the way you make me feel like more than I ever was or could be.

I'm so scared, because I'm not what you need
not right now, when i'm not the best I can be
because I'd want to know,
that I could love with all my heart and being.

So yea, as you can see, i'm more messed up inside than I let on, but hey I love you all too much to want to upload all my nonsense into your lives.

Roxx, i'm so sorry sweets. I know you put up with all my nonsense all the time. Thanks a bunch!

I end here with one unspoken wish. (but which I'm not going to reveal)

Thanks for the memories...

...

I honestly hate to do this but I need to let it out. I've been keeping quiet for far too long and more than anything I hope you see this and that some of it actually gets into your thick, self-obsessed skull. I was thinking of being poetic, but you dont mean as much to me as you used to, and as much as I do wanna be your friend, you're making it really hard.


We were worlds apart, seemingly different and yet we clicked so well. We have so much in common, even used to think the same way. I was there for you, to listen and be heard, to be a shoulder when he hurt you, to keep you grounded. Yet for all it's worth, you didn't try. You changed and you don't even see it. Or maybe it was all an act until now. You took advantage of us, used us when you needed someone and then threw us away when you had all that you wanted. We tried to help you, to stop you from making the mistakes you made but you never listened. We tried to make time for you, work around your schedule as much as ours and as much as I'd like to believe you did the same. All I can say is, you did a good job pretending. I used to talk to you, make the first move, look out for you, take an interest in how you were, but "WHERE WERE YOU?".


I'd hoped you had changed cause in some way it looked like you did. The first week was a blast, then it began all over again. You never called or messaged. Not even on MSN. We tried lookin for you, calling you, but yea once again, nothing. Just one lunch, is it really too much to ask? Don't give me that crap about your workload. I've been there, it's nothing, at least not yet. When you see me you expect me to suddenly be all about you? I don't think so. You were just about to call me? Bullshit! Seriously, wake up!


I don't wanna say anymore but I could bring up a hundred more things. If you don't even think we're worth your time then fine, but stop pretending like you care when we all know the only one you care about most is you.

Crass

I think I'm weird. I don't know who else, laughs, smiles and gets really hyper when they're flaming mad. I wonder why I have such weird emotional responses to the situations around me. I wonder if it's cause I hadn't eaten all day. I love good food, and how it cheers me up. I love how I can go from being flaming mad to chirpy and happy after having something deliciously tasty. It can be anything from cookies, to ice-cream to yummy dinners. That's not to say that presents don't make me happy either. *hint hint*

Working in FnB takes you through all sorts of ups and downs. Some people are really nice, they are polite and they have a sense of decorum. Then you come across those who have no consideration at all, seemingly uneducated and crass. I've decided that in general, the international polls are inordinately accurate. Most Singaporeans have no manners, are not courteous and are without any class. They congregate in all the wrong areas, think all too highly of themselves, and speak as though they are uneducated.

I personally think it's the fact that parents don't teach alot of kids how to behave, that and too many speak mandarin campaigns. For all that Singapore is multi-racial and an English speaking country, the majority can't speak it to save their lives. They take it as a primary language in school, and yet, making use of it seems like an impossible task. They point at things and go, 'i want this' when the name of the item is printed right next to it. Blind maybe? They ask silly questions that are already explained in the most layman terms in the captions under the title. Ermm..illiterate much?? The worst part, they can't seem to understand simple terms. For example, the term 'take-away' actually means to take the item and Go Away. Short term memory loss or just ADD (attention deficit disorder)???

Go figure.

Today's topic: Recombinant DNA technologies.
The Problem: Gene Expression.

My conclusion: I'm clueless.

Inseperable

So many things have been happening since the breakup. People coming into my life, sending me on emotional and mental rollercoaster rides and people who show up briefly, leaving a little hurt and confusion in their wake. Mostly I get it, they don't stick around long enough to form a real friendship, so I don't feel it as much when they go. Then, once in a while, someone special comes along, and I start to care. I start to wonder how long they'll be there.

I don't understand sometimes, and I know it takes me awhile to figure things out, but I try. I need to learn to pay attention to the details. I have to stop being oblivious to all the small signs. I get so carried away and I talk and do things without thinking. That's usually when trouble follows and pounces.

I'm just glad there's always someone I can trust. Someone who knows how to make me laugh and how to make me smile. He even knows how to make me cry and frown for no reason at all. He knows me inside and out, it's like he can read my mind. He's 100 different people rolled into one, and I wouldnt want it any other way. He loves to irritate me, just to see my sad, irritated face, but he's always there, catching me when I fall. I can't thank him enough. Can't seem to find the right words to say. Cant seem to find the right way, but i'll get there, I won't stop trying til I do. =)

I accept you in confidence,

I listen and admire your wisdom.

We are one when we are together,

You and I will always be friends.

When you are angry,I am there to sooth your aggression.

When you are sad,I am there to cheer you up.

We understand each others thoughts,Words with us aren’t needed.

We have a trust that is very rare,

You and I will always be friends.

What we enjoy doing together comes natural,

We accept life and move ahead.

I am your shadow and you mine,

We are inseparable if only in mind

His words...which mean more to me than some people do. My best guy friend, through and through.