it's complicated...

For those who want to know, who are constantly asking, and who don't understand, all I can say is that, neither do I. It's complicated, in a hundred different ways. I wish I could explain how scared I am, how bad I feel, how much I want to cry and yet, how much I want to smile. I want everything to be OK, but I hurt someone so much that now I'm hurting. I loved him, for all that we fought, and I felt angry and trapped. He was my warm security blanket, I was happy with him. I was a bad girlfriend. I should have been better. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could run back into that safe cocoon where no one else mattered, but I can't. As much as I want to, I know he deserves better. I need to learn to be better.

I dont want to hurt someone else. I'm so scared that I want to run away and hide. I can't love until I know I can be worthy of love. I feel like such a bitch lately. I can't seem to put the guard down, to throw away the facade. I've been trying so hard to change from one thing to another, I'm not sure I know who the real me is. I think I buried her deep down inside so that she can't rear her angry head n be that mean person. I don't want to ever take anyone for granted. To hurt them the way I hurt him.

To the someone who I can't lose...

You mean more to me than words can say
I pray with all my heart to never hurt you,
to never make you pay,
for all the mistakes I so foolishly made.

I wish you didn't feel this way but somehow
at the same time, part of me is drawn.
to the unexplained,
the way you make me feel like more than I ever was or could be.

I'm so scared, because I'm not what you need
not right now, when i'm not the best I can be
because I'd want to know,
that I could love with all my heart and being.

So yea, as you can see, i'm more messed up inside than I let on, but hey I love you all too much to want to upload all my nonsense into your lives.

Roxx, i'm so sorry sweets. I know you put up with all my nonsense all the time. Thanks a bunch!

I end here with one unspoken wish. (but which I'm not going to reveal)

Thanks for the memories...